It was a simple question she asked me: ‘What would you long to be part of the future you’re seeking God for?‘
I did not respond for several days. I did not know how to.
I knew it is a simple question, and many people would probably be able to answer easily. We all long for something, don’t we? And we tell God.
But somehow, I had stopped doing that. Somehow, in some way, I had stopped asking God for what I truly desire.
I still asked Him, and I prayed about the things I longed for. But deep down I knew the reason why I struggle to answer is because I don’t truly ask Him for what I long for anymore. At some point, in the past years, I seemed to have decided there is no point in doing that.
All the things I had ever truly longed for have not been given to me (yet). Instead, He had asked me to give them to Him, again and again, one thing after another. He had emptied me of my dreams – or that’s what it felt like at least. (Though I know our feelings do not always reflect reality.)
Instead, He lead me down a road I never asked for, to do things I never wished for, and to places I never wanted to go to.
Now, mind you, I live a great life. If you knew my life, you would laugh at the words I am writing here. My life looks like I am living the dream, and in many ways I am.
But to me, it feels like I am not living my dream. My dream would have been different.
Along the journey, the Lord has taught me much about faith. I have strong faith in the One who is faithful, kind, compassionate, gentle, in the One who is Love and Truth. I have no doubt in His abilities to perform miracles, to raise people from the dead, to heal the blind and the sick, to rescue people from the pit of despair, and to let hail and fire rain down from heaven.
I have no doubt because I know He has done some of that for me. He has delivered my soul from the pit of despair, and has shown me so much compassion, kindness, gentleness and love over the years that I do not doubt any of that. And I know the road He has asked me to walk on has been grace I never knew to ask for and yet so kindly received.
The problem isn’t that I don’t have faith that He wouldn’t do these things, that He wouldn’t give people their hearts desires and fulfill their longings.
The problem is that I don’t believe He would do that for me. Because, so far, He never has.
Because I see the grace in the road He has asked me to walk on, I have stopped longing and asking Him for my desires, because I have come to believe that He knows better anyway. That isn’t untrue:
His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. (Jeremiah 29:11)
I know this to be true. And I also know that any longing and desire I ever had, it seems, He asked me to give to Him. To surrender. To empty myself of them.
He asked me to empty myself of them so that He can fill the empty places those desires left with Himself.
And He has. I am truly, deeply grateful. I am not writing this to complain.
I am writing this because I am realizing what this now brought me to: Because of that emptying that He has led me to, I am now truly empty. I am now sitting here, emptied of my dreams and desires, and not really knowing what to do.
‘Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.’ (Psalm 37:3)
Well, what if the desires I thought were my desires, are not actually my desires, and the Lord has been fulfilling my true desires all along? What if what I think my delight in the Lord is, is not true delight, and that is why he does not give me the desires of my heart?
I sit here, and I do not know. I do not know the way of the Lord.
And yet, in so many ways, I do. I know He always wants to know my heart, my desires, my longings. It is one of His first and foremost concerns.
So, with tears streaming down my face, I ask him for mercy and for courage to voice my desires and longings despite the fear that is running through my veins that He might never will.
And somehow, deep down within me, I know that the desires I pray for are, in many ways, not even my desires. The dreams I am dreaming at the moment are dreams that were given by Him.
In all this emptying of my dreams, He has given me dreams right back – ones that seemed to be dreams that He has for my life.
I never asked for these dreams either, and somehow they feel so foreign to me, knowing they aren’t really mine.
But in many ways they feel so true and right and like they fit me like a glove. Somehow, these dreams have become mine. And I know I would have never been able to truly dream them up myself.
I am challenged to dream bigger and further, and so with trembling, I am down on my knees, asking the Lord of the universe to fulfill my desires and dreams – to grant me His mercy and show me His miracles and that He would do this, even for me.
I muster up the strength to respond to my friend. I send her a message back, apologizing for my delay in response and sharing of my struggles to answer her question. I expand on the why of this, and how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been wrestling with.
Does He really do these things, even for me?
I do not (yet) know. But what I do know is that, no matter what, I trust in Him.
I don’t have faith in all my hopes for the future to be fulfilled, but I have faith in the one true God, who is always perfect, always loving, and always faithful.
