I am not sure how many times I have heard the story of the Israelites, the countless miracles the Lord has done to deliver them out of Egypt, and then followed their journey through 40 years in the wilderness. It’s been many, many times.
I don’t know about you, but I have sometimes wondered about the Israelites: How did they not get it? How have they seen so many miracles, the faithfulness of God time and time again, literally have a pillar of fire that guides them through the night before their very eyes, and yet every time they run into problems, they start grumbling and complaining and aren’t sure if the Lord would really sustain them. Time and again, they somehow seem to think that this should have never happened, that somehow, they had made a mistake to leave Egypt, and that the Lord will no longer provide.
How did they not get it?
I think to myself: Surely, if I was among the Israelites and would have seen God’s countless miracles the way they did, I would surely believe and not grumble at every little hurdle thrown my way. Wouldn’t I?
In all honesty, and this is a vulnerable space, so please be gracious in this humble public confession: In the privacy of my heart, I have thought that I would surely not act like the Israelites. I would surely get it.
Or maybe in other words: I would surely be better. Know better.
But today I’ve been brought to my knees as I’ve been convicted of the opposite. (I’m telling you, lots of repentance is going on over here!)
In all truth, I act exactly the same way at times.
How many times has the Lord shown Himself to me, only for me to turn around and start grumbling about something that doesn’t quite go the way I’ve expected or hoped? How many times, even though I don’t exactly have a pillar of fire over my house for the Lord to guide me, have I yet disregarded the guidance of the Holy Spirit within me? How many times have I repented of something, only to then do the exact same thing again the next day? How many times have I faced a hurdle, another level of ‘how-on-earth-is-this-ever-going-to-work-out’ and a new depth of ‘I-don’t-see-the-way’, threw in the towel and questioned if I’ve made a mistake?
I will admit it here and now: It is arrogant of me to think that I would act differently than the Israelites would. I am not better than them.
Here I am, just another human walking on this planet, repeating history as I walk through the gardens of life. One new hurdle, one new fence, one new closed door, and I am throwing a fit, worried and anxious, questioning anything and everything under the sun that somehow relates to thie matter at hand.
(Well, maybe not every time. But I’ve sure been known to do that. Just ask my friends.)
I hope, friend, that you are further along than this sister over here who seems to have a long way to go walk on this journey of faith. I confess, I wish I was further along. I confess, I wish my heart wouldn’t waver. In fact, my heart is grieved by my failing and fainting heart, and I cry out to the Lord of mercy – for greater trust and faith and unwavering, steadfast confidence in Him who has spoken promises over me, in Him who guides me daily, who fights my every battle (and already won the only one that truly matters), and who will never leave me nor forsake me.
I know He has already been so good, and so gracious in how He has been leading me.
The story of the Israelites gives me hope – because they have seen so many of God’s miracles, too, and yet again and again, in their failings, the Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He never left them or forsook them. They may have had to face certain consequences, but then, so do I – for the place of lack of faith is less than God’s greatest plan for me. It’s a scary place.
And so, here I am, with an honest confession from the chambers of my heart, humbly asking for grace.
