It’s been a few of those darker days lately. My heavy days have been fewer in recent months, so somehow it took me by surprise by how dark it got this time. I hid in my bedroom a lot, desperately asking God to somehow lift the heavy curtain preventing the light from coming in.
Much of my desperation came from wanting answers, and wanting to hear God speak about things I’ve been asking about for a long time now. But probably also from this season we are all in at the moment.
So also, fear. Always fear.
This time, I just couldn’t snap out of it. Because of that, I decided that I needed more Jesus.
I fasted. I prayed. I spent time in the Word.
And fear got worse. Anxiety got worse. Desperation got worse.
Franctically, I clung unto God even more, prayed, journaled, read, and listened.
Nothing seemed to make it better. No answers came.
So I gave up.
I gave up to franctically read the Word, pray and ask for answers, and journal about my frustrations. I took a break for a day from learning and studying the Word.
I started praising instead.
I decided that even in the midst of the dark, I will worship Him. Even in the midst of fear, I will praise His name. Even in the midst of anxiety, I will sing songs of His glory.
Because His name is worthy to be praised. The only One worthy to be praised.
For the next couple of days, I picked my studying of the Word back up – but less franctically. I prayed. I praised His name. I journaled.
I picked my rhythm back up, but not to find answers, but to praise His name. Not to snap out of it, but to praise. His. Name.
Granted, I still wanted answers, still needed them. Some day. But maybe not right now.
A few days later, I was sitting in my armchair, writing out praises in my journal. I was reminded again of something that has been on my mind lately, a vision God had given me two years earlier.
The vision was about a journey. I knew I was coming to the end of that journey. One of the answers I was seeking was one of the last things needed to complete it.
I remembered something, but it was hazy, and I couldn’t quite figure out how accurate my memory of it was.
So I dug out my old journal and decided that if it was of relevance, I would have written it in there.
And there it was – black on white – the words I had been praying to hear. The answer I had been looking for.
God had given it to me two years ago.
I had just not been ready to hear it. I had pushed it aside and gave it a meaning that worked with my perception of life.
But now I was ready. God has prepared me for this day. God has led me to this day. He had already given me my answer. I just hadn’t understood. Or maybe didn’t want to.
Tears welled up in my eyes.
Oh, His goodness! His grace for me! – It can be overwhelming.
Such goodness and patience! – I didn’t deserve this.
But He bestows it on me anyway.
All I can do is to continue praise His name. I still don’t have all my answers.
But I have a re-established sense that He will answer in due time.
All I need to do is wait, and praise His name!
