This word, envy, has come up a quite a bit. I’ve known for a while that this is an issue in my life, that I am envious of other people when I really shouldn’t be.
Envy isn’t something we often talk about. If we do, we might joke about how we are envious of somebody, without thinking all that much about how that might be a problem.
The church talks about a lot of sins, but it seems envy isn’t usually among the most common ones. We talk about those measurable, clear failures and mistakes we make in our lives that are unaccepted by society. Envy, somehow, seems much more accepted and less of an issue. In a world where we have so much and see so much of what others have, envy seems to be the order of the day. And its twin, jealousy, is all over our media and entertainment. Payback, revenge, vengeance: the motive of so many news stories and movie plots.
Now, there is a difference between jealousy and envy, though you could probably ask five people for their definitions and come up with as many answers.
The difference can be described like this: Jealousy, is used to describe when a third person is involved. Envy, on the other hand, usually includes only two people: You are envious of somebody else because of what they do, have, or are. And you don’t have it.
Jealousy is even in the Bible, too: God is a jealous God (Exodus 34:14), and He therefore wants us to only worship Him. Jealousy is something you might feel when someone’s flirting with your husband, for example. In this case, jealousy can be justified because you are jealous of something that is rightfully yours. Envy, on the other hand, is never really justifiable.
In life, the two are often used interchangeably, despite its clear distinction. I might even casually joke that I’m jealous, but in reality, I am envious.
Yeah, so, envy. It has somehow taken up deep roots in my life.
I envy other people for things they have that I don’t, or for things they do or are able to do much better than I. I envy them for what they look or don’t look like. I envy people for where they are at in their lives, and I’m not. I even envy people for personality traits they have and I don’t.
I envy other people for what they do, have, or are.
I envy them because at the very core, I believe I deserve what they do, have, or are. I envy them because of my prideful thinking that I deserve something else.
At the root of a lot of my envy lays pride. Pride that let’s me believe I deserve this. Deserve more. Deserve better.
I’ve confessed many an envious moment over the years. Whenever they come up, I try to find a way to make these envious feelings go away.
Some of these battles, I have won, but many, I am still fighting.
The roots, the pride, deeply affects many parts of my life. Often, I think I deserve something. It’s in little things: but those little things expose the evil in my heart in its plainest and barest and most honest.
Talking about this pride, this envy, leaves my heart laid bare.
I am saddened by the evil in my heart, and shocked that I ever thought I might just make it on my own. That I often think I might just make it on my own. That in about four hours, I will probably think I might just make it on my own.
Paul already tells us about this: these things that the flesh desires that really aren’t something we should pursue (Galatians 5). Yes, there is jealousy that isn’t bad in and of itself. God is a jealous God, and He isn’t sinful. The feeling of jealousy can be justified. But envy can never be justified, because envy always wants something that isn’t yours.
Envy is never, ever a justifiable feeling. It’s a completely human feeling, but also a completely evil feeling.
However, while the feeling of jealousy in and of itself isn’t necessarily bad, the actions that jealousy might lead to can be evil.
There is a difference between envy and jealousy that matters, even though we often use the two interchangeably. But in both cases, the actions our feelings lead us to also matter.
What we do because of a feeling might just be the most important part in all of this. While there might be some justification to some of our feelings, we can never really change how we feel. Not quickly, anyway. Feelings often just are, without us having much control over them.
So no matter if the feeling is justified or not, what really matters is how we react as a result of the feeling. A justifiable feeling like jealousy might lead to evil actions just like an unjustified feeling would, and at the end of the day, the feeling won’t make a difference if our actions are sinful.
And that will make a difference.
But how are we to react, you might ask?
Paul also tells us that ‘we need to crucify them’ (Galatians 5:24).
There really isn’t any justification for envy, because we ought to never desire anything that isn’t ours.
If we let these feelings take root in our hearts, we are really welcoming hatred into our hearts. Envy taking roots can only ever lead to one thing: hatred and death.
If we start envying someone, and continue to allow those feelings, then, with time, we will start disliking that person because of it: because of what they have, and because of the feelings they evoke in us.
Instead, we are called to crucify our flesh, to cruify our evil desires, desires that might lead us to do things we are called not to do.
So once again, today, I confess my feelings of envy and jealousy: I confess the pride that evokes these, and my thinking that I really deserve more than what I have.
I don’t do this because of some legalistic mindset that I am or will be someone or something better than anyone else. I am doing this because I want to be more loving of those around me because of the love I have for Jesus. I am doing this because Jesus calls me to imitate Him in everything.
I am doing this because I don’t know what else to do, and because I know that I will never be able to make it on my own: I cry out to Jesus to change my heart.
With a trembling heart, I ask Him to teach me that He is enough, that I don’t need anything else. That I will see the table spread out before me, where I have access to all the good things I will ever need.
With a trembling heart, I repent.
