I get up early in the morning and start hiking.
You know, it’s one of those days when you’ve been feeling defeated it’s good to just get up and walk. That way you can take it one step at a time.
I walk up a hill that I’ve walked up thousands of times before. I don’t really want to walk up there, but I do it anyway.
I am reminded of another hill I used to walk up, where I used to go meet God. It’s not that I couldn’t meet God anywhere I want. I can. It’s that I wasn’t in a space where I was able to see God anywhere… so I went on a walk up that mountain and it seemed to help me be able to hear Him.
And this seems like a similar season: A season where I seem to struggle to truly meet God. He’s there. He’s everywhere. I know that.
But defeat seems to be screaming so loudly at my face that I need to intentionally step against it. Literally, step against it. One step at a time.
So that’s what I’m doing. I set my alarm clock to 6 am and I get up and walk. One step at a time. Up that hill.
Once I’m there, things seem much clearer. Voices seem much clearer.
Both . . . the good and the bad.
The bad voice, especially, seems very clear. And very loud. I just don’t seem to be able turn it off.
I want to kneel down and cover my ears or go hide somewhere, but the voices won’t go away because they are inside of me.
They are voice of destruction.
“Everyone deserts you.”
“You are really not that lovable.”
“Your body is not beautiful.”
They’re all screaming at me.
They are so loud, that I can’t even think of the truth that I know is out there, somewhere. So the only thing I can think of that will help shut them up is screaming back at them.
I take a deep breath.
And let the air go right out again. No scream. Not even a beep.
It’s hard for me. It takes courage. I don’t know if I have the courage. It also takes strength, and I don’t know if I have the strength.
But I want to have the courage. I want to have the strength.
So I take another breath.
Nothing. Just that same air being breathed right out.
Until one day, I will scream those voices right in the face until they won’t hear themselves anymore. I know that with the Roaring Lion on my side, this is an absolute possibility.
Martha
The voices are still screaming. I still try and find my courage.
Another breath. Another silence.
“Keep searching. You’ll find it.”
Now I stand up, check around the corner left and right for any sign of life. Nothing. That should really give me the courage.
I take another breath… and I scream the tiniest scream anyone’s ever heard.
Seriously. Tiny. I’m not joking.
But at least I screamed. It felt like sweet victory. That ought to give me the courage to do it again, right?
So I breath in again, scream again. Still a tiny scream, but at least a tiny bit louder than the one before.
It seems to give me a little perspective.
This ought to do it for now. A little perspective.
Not all of this will be fixed right away. I won’t be able to shut these voices up in just one day.
But this tiny scream gives me the perspective I need to go through this day. And, hopefully, it will give me the courage to scream louder next time.
Until one day, I will scream those voices right in the face until they won’t hear themselves anymore.
I know that with the Roaring Lion on my side, this is an absolute possibility.
And I’m looking forward to that day.
