I’m not sure about you, but if I’m being honest, I don’t think I have faith really figured out.
Teachers seem to teach about it as if they have it figured out. Probably, I sometimes talk about it as if I do, too. Maybe there are moments when I do seem to have it figured out, and the longer I live, the more such moments I pray will be a reality in my life.
But then, life throws me a curve ball and all of a sudden, I seem to know nothing.
It’s a bizarre journey, this journey of faith.
The Lord has been speaking me about His will for my life, and the direction He wants me to take. He gave me glimpses of the future, all of which are very far from the reality of what my life looks like.
It is clear what He is asking me to do. But it feels so incredibly risky, so scary.
As I think about it, I am reminded of the giants of faith – the ones who seemed to believe so much so that they are thrown into a den with lions and they survive. They are going through literal fire, and the Lord protects them. They walk toward a man impossible to defeat with the confidence that He will be defeated.
I marvel at their faith. I don’t think I understand God, or His plans, enough for me to have an equal measure of faith.
Indeed, I am scared, even just by the things He is asking me to do. And it is far removed from the dangers of fires and lion’s mouths.
And yet, I am scared, to the point that I am unsure that I have it in me to do what He is asking me to do.
In fact, I know I don’t.
But as I pray, I only see one road before me, and I know I have to walk it. I could walk away, but I know that is not what the Lord is asking me to do.
He is asking me to keep walking.
So, I keep walking.
And the longer I do, the more my heart fails and faints, doubts and struggles.
I know the Lord holds my heart – but will it really not be broken?
I know the Lord walks with me – but is this really the way He wants me to walk?
I know the Lord is asking me to walk here – but will He truly fulfill what He has promised?
I know the Lord is good – but will He really come through on this?
Such are the questions of my heart, in those moments when my heart is failing.
But there are other moments during which I know the road without a shadow of doubt in my heart. It’s clear before my eyes. And so I know: I need to keep walking.
I dread the path, for I am scared for my heart. I am scared that I will be blindsided – that all of a sudden the evidence I am seeing in the physical world will come true to the point where it will be clear that this faith journey has not led to the result I thought it would.
When I will come to a point where the road is no longer evident, and I will find myself in deserted places, where wildlife takes over, and all roads disappear.
And so I sit there, in an endless landscape of sandy wilderness, and I am not sure where the other side of this even is, when it will come, and what it will look like.
All I see is sand.
With me is a tiny seed of faith that none of this was in vain. A tiny seed of faith that believes His purposes just looked very differently from what I ever thought, and that despite this seemingly hopeless place I’ve found myself in, where the weeds of desillusion and disorientation threaten to quench even the tiny seed that’s left, that somehow, I am still walking in His purpose.
I know His word has spoken, and His word does not return empty. It always accomplishes that for which He sent it.
So even in this, even if what He is telling me won’t be fulfilled, then His telling me somehow was connected with the purposes I do not yet understand. A very different purpose from what I thought or hoped, but His purpose nonetheless.
And so I hold on to faith, and in my weakness ask the Lord, the strength of my heart, to fulfil His purposes in me, as I will my feet to take yet another step on this road, and carry my heavy heart with me.
For His will be done. Always and forever.
